Friday, July 3, 2009
Thursday, July 2, 2009
salt & pepper
garth said it best yesterday, "you need salt & pepper. no vanilla. think how bored you would be with that?!". so yet again i've found myself in a relationship with a person that has A LOT going on emotionally. i wonder how it will turn out. i wonder if he meant it when he said he loved me and wanted me to spend the rest of his life with me. i wonder if that was said in a manic state. we were friends in highschool, not romantically involved. and here 25 years later we found ourselves in a relationship. a relationship that snuck up on us. is it possible to really truly love some one that you've only been reconnected with for just two months? i knew that i was in love with him from that first time we chatted. i loved him when we were kids and never stopped. throughout the years i'd ask folks how he was and if they knew how to get in touch with them. a couple of folks said they thought they could find out how to get in touch with him, but none of them followed through.
stupid facebook! okay, it's not stupid because it did bring us back together. i can't help but think it's fate, meant to be. we were both so messed up with self medicating ourselves with booze and alcohol during those years that we weren't in contact. he's been clean for 6 years. i'm incredibly proud of him for that!! me? well, i finally got a grip on the drugs and alcohol about 3 years ago. he asks "why now?" why? because we both have finally come to a place in our lives where we're healthy and want to live. the similairities run rampant and i feel as though they are kind of scary for him. ya' see... after his last relationship he didn't ever want another one. i too had become very protective of myself. but Ty? this guy i trust. i have always trusted him. he has always been such a peaceful soul and i learned a lot about peacefulness and positivity from him when we were kids.
gawd, he is in such a dark place right now because of all that is going on. i worry that he's not on his meds. i don't dare ask though. when i'm asked that question i feel an injustice. is that the right word? i don't know. i just know that it makes me feel like the person doesn't have faith in me or trust. god, i have so much faith in him and trust him with all of my heart. i wonder about the meds because he doesn't have insurance benefits. it makes me wonder even more because of what happened on my first visit to see him.
i'm glad what happened happened. i needed to know that he has the capacity to go into such a dark place that he's almost catatonic. this after an incredible night hanging out followed by absolutely beautiful love making. waking in his arms was everything i thought it would be and more. i felt so safe, so warm, loved. the triggers? the baby mama's onslaught of texts, the scary feelings that come with a new relationship? on top of shame and complaceny that he already felt. ya' see... baby mama has knocked his self esteem into the toilet. i'm glad it happened so i know what she is capable of. i'm sure she says very demeening things. i do wish oh so very much that he could share those things with me and how they make him feel. i wish that as he said before this happened that it was so comfortable talking with me.
take care of yourself, baby. i love you and we'll make it through this!!
stupid facebook! okay, it's not stupid because it did bring us back together. i can't help but think it's fate, meant to be. we were both so messed up with self medicating ourselves with booze and alcohol during those years that we weren't in contact. he's been clean for 6 years. i'm incredibly proud of him for that!! me? well, i finally got a grip on the drugs and alcohol about 3 years ago. he asks "why now?" why? because we both have finally come to a place in our lives where we're healthy and want to live. the similairities run rampant and i feel as though they are kind of scary for him. ya' see... after his last relationship he didn't ever want another one. i too had become very protective of myself. but Ty? this guy i trust. i have always trusted him. he has always been such a peaceful soul and i learned a lot about peacefulness and positivity from him when we were kids.
gawd, he is in such a dark place right now because of all that is going on. i worry that he's not on his meds. i don't dare ask though. when i'm asked that question i feel an injustice. is that the right word? i don't know. i just know that it makes me feel like the person doesn't have faith in me or trust. god, i have so much faith in him and trust him with all of my heart. i wonder about the meds because he doesn't have insurance benefits. it makes me wonder even more because of what happened on my first visit to see him.
i'm glad what happened happened. i needed to know that he has the capacity to go into such a dark place that he's almost catatonic. this after an incredible night hanging out followed by absolutely beautiful love making. waking in his arms was everything i thought it would be and more. i felt so safe, so warm, loved. the triggers? the baby mama's onslaught of texts, the scary feelings that come with a new relationship? on top of shame and complaceny that he already felt. ya' see... baby mama has knocked his self esteem into the toilet. i'm glad it happened so i know what she is capable of. i'm sure she says very demeening things. i do wish oh so very much that he could share those things with me and how they make him feel. i wish that as he said before this happened that it was so comfortable talking with me.
take care of yourself, baby. i love you and we'll make it through this!!
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